Be Careful What You Pray For…

I got a job.

There….

I said it.

For the last year, I was unemployed.  I worked on long forgotten projects around the house, cooked and baked to my heart’s content, greeted my kids with treats and a listening ear when they got home from school, spent mornings having coffee with my husband before he left for work, felt an incredible sense of guilt about my lack of financial contribution, substituted when I had the opportunity, obsessively worried about our finances and prayed that God would bring me a job.

In early August, I had an interview and later that day was offered a position.  It was exactly what I had prayed so long about, yet I sobbed as I considered the offer.  I thought maybe it was that it was at a different school than I had hoped, making the commute 45 minutes each way.  I thought that maybe it was the idea of being new, that I was out of my comfort zone. I thought maybe it was that I was heading back into the classroom, a position that I hadn’t really wanted to be in.  I thought that maybe it was the lack of choice I felt – with a child starting college in another state and our savings depleted from the year I hadn’t worked, there really wasn’t any other choice I could make.

So, I prayed.

I prayed for the students I would have, the coworkers I would meet, and for a change in my attitude.  

I started the school year trying to look at the positives – financial stability,  new opportunities… it was hard to think of positives some days.

So, I prayed.  

I used that time in the car each morning and sometimes each afternoon to pray for my kids, my husband, our extended families, friends.  I prayed for my students, my co-workers, and myself.  

After several weeks, I saw an opening for a dean at the school I had hoped to be at.  I spoke with my husband and talked with my principal.  This seemed like the opportunity I had hope for all along.  I applied and waited.  I worked harder to see the positives.

And, I prayed.

Weeks passed and I heard through the grapevine that the position had been filled.  My heart sank.  I did some digging and found out that my application had somehow been filed as an external applicant.  They had opted to only interview internal applicant.  Mine had never even been considered.  I was offered an apology.

I was hurt, heartbroken, angry.

So, I stopped praying.

For two days I refused to pray.  Why had God overlooked my request?  Hadn’t I been selfless?  Hadn’t I remained faithful?  

I have never felt more alone than I did those two days.

So, I prayed.  

I asked God to forgive me for my bitterness.   I thought about the verses that I had discovered in college – Isaiah 26:3-4.  I recalled the verse that I had written in so many yearbooks over the years – Jeremiah 29:11.  I thought about my mom who remained faithful during her chemo all those years ago.  I thought about the many in the Bible who have endured far worse than I and yet believed that God never forgot them.

I’m still praying.  

I don’t love my current position.  I’m exhausted and stressed.  I miss being able to openly share my faith with my students and coworkers.  I miss the time I once had with my guys each day.  But, I believe that God has a plan.  I know His timing is perfect.  I know that what He has for me is more than what I could imagine in my current situation.

So, I’ll keep praying.